Sunday, June 21, 2009

I've spent over $500 on adult entertainment

I've spent over $500 on adult entertainment at the Kimmel Center. With my (now-expired) membership, I'm fortunate enough to have the opportunity to see some of the best-in-their-class/best-in-the-world acts. The dirty secret of a Kimmel Center membership is that the general public doesn't have any access to the hottest acts - with a membership, you at least have a chance to buy tickets to some of the best performances they bring to Philadelphia. I appreciate that I have seen Yo-Yo Ma, Harry Connick Jr., Ira Glass, Wynton Marsalis, and now: Jerry Seinfeld.

Previously, I'd seen Seinfeld on his HBO special. I was delighted to hear mostly new material with some recycled content. I'm quickly typing in some of his better lines before the slip through my memory sieve and get replaced with a shopping list - most of them are paraphrased - but I put them in quotes because the essence is uniquely Seinfeld.

Even though Seinfeld is wealthy beyond most people's limited imagination, he proves that we're all connected through his observations on the incongruity/absurdity/hilarity of life that makes him the true master of observation. After the show, during his encore which was an audience Q&A, he mentioned that all four cast members will be on Curb Your Enthusiasm together when the new season starts September 20th.


"I can't talk to my buddies who aren't married. I mean, it's like they're playing Wiffle ball/T-ball and here I am, driving a truck full of explosives down a dirt road [nervous/bewildered expression, pantomines huge driving wheel]"

"The women, they spend all night thinking of questions. Hypothetical questions. How are we supposed to answer them? The other day my wife turned to me and was like 'If you faked your death and I found out - what would you say when I I found out?'"

"I'll take 'Conversations from 8 years ago that I should remember.' Yes, Alex, I'd like to wager everything against the returning winner... Sorry, you lost - you don't win the Weekend Sex package. You don't win the guilt-free sporting event attendance'

"This is my normal tone of voice. I believe all guys - they have to use a tone of voice that is two octaves above their normal tone - otherwise - it's like if I went home and said 'I need something to eat. I'm hungry' with this normal tone - my wife would be like 'Why are you shouting at me?'"


"I used to think I'd be all idealistic raising kids. Show them the best, lead by example. I've turned into a small time mob boss, I cajole I threaten. 'I've noticed you've taken a fond interest in that Elmo doll. Wouldn't it be a shame if something were to happen to him?'

"When my kids make play-doh animals, sometimes I'll sneak and break off their heads and leave them at the foot at the bed where they'll find them. To send a message. To keep them on their toes'

"My kids, only recently, they've been aware why I'm there. Before, when they were little they would see me and come up with a look like 'May I help you?'"


"I don't understand the naming of cookies. They should be called what they really are. Like 'You're going to regret this' [can't remember clever names]"

"I don't like cookies in bags. All disorder. At least, when you slide out the tray of cookies and they're all sitting in their plastic barracks, ready to go into battle [pantomines D-day jump/crouch], you know when you hit the end of the row"

"The morning after you've binged on cookies. It's like the scene of a traffic accident, you've got broken glass, crumbs, chocolate skid marks on your napkins, an empty and crushed milk cart carton jammed in your garbage'


"My entertainment friends - they show me their new phones and I'm like I don't want them. Especially, the iPhone. They always want to show me how they can rotate it. I don't need that, I just do this [rotates his head]"

"These new phones. They're fragile. You can't slam them down when you're pissed. "I'm never talking to you again! [mimes yelling on iPhone, calms down and does the little trademark iPhone swipe, and puts the phone gently on imaginary table"

"I hate this. When your friend sits down to lunch with you and puts his Blackberry on the table. It's like he's saying 'I've got options - you're not the only companion'. I mean, if I want to talk to some people, maybe I should get up and go across the street and call them"

"The Blackberry look down. It's like they have painted doll eyes - they're not really paying attention - what are they doing? [pantomines thumb-texting and looking down]"

"A fully-charged cellphone battery - it's a sign of vitality. We can conquer the world. But when the bars start getting low, it's like 'I don't have any time left. I don't know if I can make it' [pantomines dying signal with collapsing on sidewalk]


"What is it with these large cups of coffee. 'I've got a Venti coffee. Coming through!' And when they walk across the street and they judge you, judge your car [pantomines walking across street with large cup of coffee and pausing and looking back at imaginary car with disdain]"

"My wife says when guests come over I should ask them if they'd like a drink. I don't. Why? Where they just came from had drinks"

Weather and miscellaneous

"I hate 'Do you think it will stay like this?'. I always answer 'Yes'. Hello - we live on a planet called Earth. The weather changes. There is a thing called variation in temperature'"

"I hate 'to the best of my knowledge'. Why can't you just say...'I don't know'"

"What is it with compliments when someone says 'I really mean it, I'm not blowing smoke in your ass.' What does that mean? Why do we have to use ass in every conversation - I've got so much it's coming out of my ass, kiss my ass, don't be an ass, kick my ass"

"What is with public restrooms? Why can't they build the wall longer. How much more money is it to extend the wall another foot or two? For some dignity. If I wanted to be in. Maybe I should just hang my head over the stall door - I mean my co-workers already see my pants around my ankles and recognize my shoes - 'Hey Bob how's it going. Yes, this is why I had to leave your powerpoint presentation prematurely [pantomines being horse in stall]"

"I like the new auto-flush. It sits there blinking and reassuring - 'Are you done yet? You got anymore? When you away, it's like 'I've got this one for you. On me buddy'. But those faucets, they're a little more complicated. [does Siegfriend and Roy impression]"
More than a little bit of truth in one of Seinfeld's closing lines. "I have nothing to do too. That's why I'm here, talking to you."

Life is too long. Spend more on adult entertainment. At the very least you'll rewrite your memories of the night out with fuzzy, warmer ones. If you buy some shiny gadget thing or whatever, it will mock you and remind you of the newer shiny gadget things that came out post-haste (and why it didn't make you happy in the long-term). Seinfeld is forever.

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